on the illusion of powerlessness ...
let me do what i can do.
— 17 feb. 2025. onenote entry.
Life can be really depressing when you feel powerless.
I think a big part of being human is the craving for agency, and when the world feels like it’s burning with the weight of everything, it's easy to feel like there's nothing you can do. I know that's not true. I know I am powerful.
A huge thread, running like spine through my life, is unflinching faith: in my abilities amplified by discipline and will.
A world where hard work doesn't pay off, or where ordinary people are incapable of doing extraordinary things doesn't exist to me.
Mine is a paradise of possibilities, a world of miracles. It is filled with awe-inspiring art and awesome artists, and people come from nobodies to become VIPs and success glistens like sweat on their faces.
This world is one where people are sainted and deified. That is, they die and metaphorically live on. At the core of my personal faith is that I too can change the world, that I am fated to make something, do something that will make the world more beautiful (or if you will, be another shade of mascara to her unpretty features). I believe we all can.
I want a life where I can just write newsletters like these, and meet terrific people and build stuff with them, and see nice things and contribute to human thought and progress because otherwise, I see no point or purpose to this life. Life's purpose, for me, is for all of us to make something out of this vast incomprehensibility. To reinterpret this humongous chaos. We are trying.
And so today, I am trying to focus on the things I can control and that I have, so I don't feel helpless, powerless and gloomy:
I have shelter. I am not sitting in the sun, praying for a place to lay my back. I could close this PC lid and sleep, or at least rest for the next 3 hours if I want. I am still unemployed but don’t have to worry too much about the next meal because I still live with my parents.
I have eaten today.
I will, again. I hope.
I have a few friends who have proven and still prove that they love me. They call. I call. A WhatsApp message. An email. They tell me what’s going on. And even though sometimes I feel some of them don't fully get me, I feel like we're all going the same way and that's way more than encouraging.
I have words. I have a medium. I should just do what I am doing and stop worrying about all else.
I'll be fine.
This was a draft, then I showed it to a friend some time ago (to reciprocate the drafts he showed me? To show off? idk).
Today, he talked about something similar and I felt like, let me show you all.
I don’t know if this is apology for my time away. Any apology at all is inadequate. I’ll make up with new essays this week. Promise.
Thank you for your bear-hug support! Really.
If you’re new here, thank you so f* much & a huge welcome!
I’m building a tribe here, people of heart and mind. I want to see how we help each other grow if you stick around long enough.
You can see some of my favourite letters for some catching up …
hilda dokubo made my friend cry
a case against the emoji
have you taken the oath?
a nation of dead gods
ideas are more than dangerous than guns
Until next time …