I'm craving "sanity-depriving work"
What does Fikayo mean?
I have been on this writing spree; the essays coming out every day and all, and I appreciate all the praise, the concerned criticism, the really really kind feedback. But I am in my feelings now. G and I were talking about how he watched Kobe and saw that he was sleeping, and how we should "shut the world out" and bury our heads in our work.
But this girl says I have time.
I had to tell her I was leaving WhatsApp for a time (didn't say how long but for me it should be till 2025), and she won’t have it.
"No / Don't do it"
Baby, you can email me …
This talk about burying your head in work and sh*t is not the type of thing you tell a girl. You know they’d never be like, wow, that’s great!1
But I did it because I want to be the guy in Whiplash who decides to obsess over his drumming, but I don't want to be the guy in Whiplash who hurts and pushes his girl away so insensitively because of his dreams. Girls are not a distraction. They are a comfort; the beauty and luxury of peacetime, and right now, my head is pounding and I can feel the raw, visceral weight of responsibility, the yoke of the King's Disease tearing at my soul.
It's a war for my life. For my place in the grand scheme of things.
But she says I have time.
"It is true. But days become months and months become years"
What does Fikayo mean by "back-breaking, sanity-depriving work"?
He was speaking of his writing, when I commented on his divinely-crafted Inferno piece. In Inferno, he admitted to being a sinner of the worst kind: God had given him the power to craft worlds from mere words, and he wasn't building universes. Wasn't he scoffing at God, spitting in His face?
For me, the failure to honor the gift you are given is a cardinal sin, and by not writing or creating, I was committing a sin not just against myself, but against God.
- Fikayo, Inferno
I asked God to not forgive him if he failed to create universes, and he replied with those haunting phrases. That it was "sanity depriving work" to do what he does.
That's why that piece was divine; a piece of heaven, every sentence an inexplicable jigsaw piece with a full picture of it's one (weird description, right?). It was because he was doing something I haven’t yet learnt to do. Some deep, ritualistic, painfully significant process. Back-breaking.
If I were to die now, I’d go straight into Hell – and not just any Hell, but the ones with eternal flames forever scorching your soul, never burning your flesh, and yet leaving you in eternal anguish. The Hell of the Abrahamic religions.
- Fikayo, Inferno
It's 3:35 AM and I can't sleep, just thinking of those words. I am playing this Leather Blvd, album but the sounds and words are just floating above my scalp.
And I told G before he announced his battery was at 5%, and that he'd play Richard Pryor till his battery gives up, that I was tired ...
I am sick and tired of being good.
These essays take me nothing to do. I just do them. I don't know if I am glamourizing difficulty here but I want to do more.
I need to do more. Because if I say I want to be excellent, write soul-squishing pieces, become one of the greatest writers of my generation, I'd have to push beyond me.
I’d just see a clip of Kendrick Lamar, and I’d be overjoyed. I can’t describe how transcendental his art is. I want to be Lamar for writing, for worship to come from my works, for people to read something I wrote, and scream, and lose sleep, and never be the same again.
What is the price? If I knew how to pay it …
Why am I writing this? Simple, I do not want to go to hell. I refuse to let my gifts wither away, for like Sisyphus - I will push my boulder of self-doubt up the hill. But not out of punishment, rather, a dedication and devotion to excellence and my Creator. Doing everything, I can to tell the stories in my head, to create the worlds I want to. To be the perfect vessel for this gift I’ve been blessed with.
- Fikayo, Inferno
To this, I say amen.
We'd return to 1x a week for this newsletter.
From my heart, thank you. I do this for you. And for you.
Bye,
With love & ink,
Emmanuel
I can’t forget the look on my then movie buddy’s face when I told her I was leaving Marvel so I could study … apotheosis.
The idea of me inspiring this is a very flattering one, and I’m glad I played a small part😂.
“I need to do more. Because if I say I want to be excellent, write soul-squishing pieces, become one of the greatest writers of my generation, I'd have to push beyond me.”
This part perfectly captures the constant battle I fight — the need to do more than you can presently, because it’s only then that you know you’re moving closer to your apotheosis