I have a villain in my head ...
+ how to trick your brain for good
I woke up this morning with both my phone and PC off: the recipe for despair.
I am one of the few people who are not afraid to admit that they are addicted to technology. I get withdrawal symptoms, and I don't want to describe how uncomfortable and unpleasant it is.
I don't even care.
Except you can give me some other way to write-by-typing; because my handwriting is like Brownian motion, like if Einstein was doodling, and writing with a pen makes my arm ache …
Or except you can effectively replace Spotify with a bag filled with 70 million vinyl CDs. Don't tell me I don’t listen to all of Spotify's database. I am a music connoisseur. I love to taste and sample sounds. Then, if I get that wisp of a high, I 'like' them, or put them in one of my playlists to be arranged later.
I almost always have 'songs of the day'; that song that I would annoyingly place on repeat and would be the background soundtrack to my day. And with the way my memories and music work together, I have baked many of my days into the kicks and licks of my favourite songs.
Like, while I am typing this, Ashbeck's ROYALE is playing. I was obsessed with this one, addicted, for five whole days! Thank God it's sonic arms are off my soul!
But ROYALE is playing now and I can remember making my 0.1% last edits to my project with almost haunting detail.
I am reliving the relaxed pressure of those days, the aching fatigue by 3AM, my exasperated breath, my heavy eyelids. Because it was the soundtrack of those days.
Light finally returned this afternoon and I was able to power my devices enough to write this and play music again.
Play One Beer.
Because I slept with MF DOOM's One Beer before my phone died last night.
And since I woke up, the cartoonish sample from the song and the drums have been looping endlessly, somewhere between my cerebellum and my medulla oblongata, and throughout today. My God!
If you love rhyme, don’t play MF DOOM.
He will live in your head. Literally.
I am not joking!
He rhymes so tightly, in this thick, consistently relaxed voice that just glues to my brain …
You know him?
MF DOOM (real name, Daniel Dumile) was a British-American rapper, died in 2020.
Without delving into his rather sad origins, the rapper had an alter-ego: the evil, obsessed-with-dominating-the-world supervillain named MF DOOM1.
"All the world leaders on Earth are under my control / And when they meet tomorrow in special session / I, DOOM, shall be voted 'Master of the World' "
And he was a villain of rhyme: Intricate wordplay, multisyllabic rhymes, double entendres, triple entendres, quadruple entendres …
After he released Madvillainy2, the "Bible of underground hip-hop"3, MF DOOM was frequently referred to as "your favourite rapper's favourite rapper". I have seen videos of Mos Def glowingly adoring DOOM and members of Odd Future (including Tyler, the Creator) super-overjoyed at a DOOM concert.
And what is most admirable is his dedication to his persona. It was like Daniel Dumile and MF DOOM were fused into one.
No, let me rephrase that.
It was like Daniel Dumile and MF DOOM were fused into one; there was no separation between artist and his artwork:
He always wore his signature metal mask in public interviews (and he granted so few of them).
He won't even attend some of his own concerts!
"He" would be on stage rapping to raving fans, only for someone to unmask the rapper and a doppelganger to be revealed (what would you expect from a fiendish world-dominating villain!).
His fans were divided over this, but I perfectly understand him. He was obsessively devoted to the art he had created.
DOOM was the biggest DOOM superfan. If he watered it down, or switched, that'd be as bad as jumping ship.
It just taught me something.
It's not easy to start something artistic and stick4. It almost feels like artistry is synonymous with ephemerality; a fleeting and constant dynamism.
To stay fresh. To keep the charts. To keep the fans.
But DOOM did different. That's why DOOM is legendary. In the world he created, he was the most powerful being. Maybe he has drawn me into that world. Is that why he's living in my head?
For your listening pleasure (or displeasure, idk), here are my soundtracks of the past few days. If you want me to share my songs with you, you can reply to this email, and I'd be flattered:
Saved last night (13 Oct.) for today (14 Oct.):
3.
(I rediscovered this one again, it was a soundtrack for months ago)
4.
5.
(not new too. I listened to Badu's beautiful 1998 album, Baduizm last night after such a long time and I wanted to keep this song special)
Or, should I make a playlist off my "daily soundtracks" going forward?
Fantasies are the mayonnaise of life.
Everyone has to have some of these delusional dreams of grandeur to stay sane in this tawny world.
I indulge them a lot; billions of scenarios, like another me in my head, doing and saying things that would wow this me.
Like this morning, while One Beer was doing its thing in my head, looping and looping, I was fantasizing about being one of the most popular writers. In meticulous, embarrassing detail.
And when I took naps, I had very vivid good dreams that make me smile now.
I fantasize very realistically, and it's not always rosy. Like, I even fantasize about the bad days, and how I keep afloat and triumph at last.
It’s very believable. To my brain. To me.
That's where my plans are born from. I mostly fantasize first, then crystallize a path, with the sweetness of that fantastical destination, numbing difficulty and discomfort.
I am a big believer in hacking yourself. Your brain, especially. And hacking doesn’t mean infiltrating and destroying as is the common connotation.
Hacking is exploiting a vulnerability in a system for some purpose.
If I discover that something works a particular way, and there's a comma I could use to make my aim work, that's hacking.
So, that's what I do.
I know brains like rewards. So, sometimes when I do something nice and I really would want to continue doing that, I get myself Nutri-Milk or that chocolate bar I am getting addicted to.
Tells my brain: Hey buddy, after we do this, we get a treat.
But, I am really going to be a famous writer.
Because you are going to help me.
This is not a fantasy.
Thank you for your love.
Till next time,
With love & ink,
Emmanuel
He adapted it from Doctor Doom, the Marvel Comics’ supervillain. MF Doom had a half dozen nicknames including Doom, Metal Face and Viktor Vaughn.
Madvillainy was a collaborative album by Madvillain, the musical duo by Doom and Madlib, a record producer. MF Doom did many collabs like these, e.g. DANGERDOOM with Danger Mouse, and Czarface Meets Metal Face with Czarface.
I can remember some YTer saying this and I can’t reference him directly at the moment. This album was MF DOOM’s magnum opus. It is considered of the one of the greatest hip-hop albums of all time and one of the greatest albums of all time.
pun not intended at first, but loved afterwards
A daily soundtrack playlist when?🌚