the sky won't change colour

Dec 31, 2024

i let everybody, in the giddiness of the end-of-year celebrations. 've always disliked whatever i thought was bandwagon behaviour—doing what everyone else is doing (without good reason). i got smacked in the belly with a huge realization of what to do with my life ~ september & i've been running with it. i don't need to fall on my knees on the 31st, clasp my hands & vow to change my life.

there seems to be some air of vainness in my tone, ay? believe me, it's not intentional. everybody is saying we should all change our lives in the new year: lift weights, quit sugar, p*rn & netflix, write a book, start a podcast & a company. everybody else is saying not to follow the gregorian calendar like a dummy. i am everybody else.

still, the end of the year is "convenient for reflection". i was writing a list of stuff that happened this year. it was going rich, colourful ... then i just got tired. i think about the day, everyday at most. i be walking around the house & last month's f* up'd just fly across the room & hit me in the head. i'd wince. & tend to the wound. that's my life. december is just another month. aside our fireworks, when it's a new year, the sky won't change colour. am i even saying something so basic?

paulmaah is just going to reheat the furnace. i was feeling a little down. now i feel that (for the most part) my feelings don't matter. i am here. for as long as i will be. & the project will not end until i end.

grateful for a million lessons, most notably "carpe diem" & isd's "make more mistakes". happy for the women in my life (& out of my life). for the truest gift of true friends. for the slowly growing circle of writers. for the mushrooming library of music & for the progressively clarifying sense of purpose.

i just think the clock's an indifferent mf* & i'm wasting something i don't even own—time. lemme just do my sh*t & get te f* off this planet.

(mom's going to church. dressed-up, beautiful. i'm lying in bed. family "pagan". groggy lol)